These are not the words I was wanting to be writing on this day but these are the words I have to write as I have no other choice. A month ago today my beautiful, precious boy passed to the other side. It has been a month of miracles, mourning, sorrows, peace, family, friends and calm in the midst of affliction.
Once we entered palliative care and had more tests, Doctor Suo came to visit, letting us know that tests indicated the the cancer was in Tom’s liver and with the insight they now had, they knew he would only have weeks if not just days to live. He was very kind and we understood. He added that results of the blood test done in California had returned and that they showed Tom had a mutation of a very aggressive cancer. In some ways that gave us comfort knowing that there was probably nothing we could have done to have achieved a different outcome. After he left I said to Tom, “Why do you have to be so darn special!”. He has never been normal even in this situation.
It was now time for the children to come and time for me to remain in the hospital 24/7. Liza was there right away and Lara Lyn got up in the middle of the night, booked a flight from Cranbrook, drove immediately there and was here quickly. Cindy took time of work and Trevor tried to hasten his recovery from covid. The girls dove right into caring for their Dad and myself. Tom called them his “Charlie’s Angels” and they were. Ross and Sarah continued to visit and Liza’s children came. With each one Tom hugged them and told them he loved them. We planned the funeral, laughed, cried and loved each other. I just wanted to be with Tom every minute. Tom made the decision as to who would speak at the memorial and he had told me earlier that he wanted Cheyenne to sing “Day by Day”. He chose the picture he wanted on the front of the program - one of the two of us. I had wanted the one with him holding Moroni’s hand while in a man lift but he firmly said no, that was inappropriate and pointed to the one of us on the hospital wall.
The palliative care nurses and doctors were lovely and when Doctor Mattie came to visit he told us he had been raised in the church and we knew just who he was. He is Katie Mattie’s brother who had lived and worked in Australia. We felt that the Lord had brought us together and hopefully we had an influence for good upon him and the other staff. They definitely felt something different from us and one nurse said that you could feel a lot of love in our room.
Tom’s feet and legs continued to swell and despite another platelet transfusion the pet ixia blood spots continued to multiply on his upper legs, abdomen and back. He had pain in his chest when he breathed and was now on oxygen full time. He was tired and the kids worried they were wearing him out but he liked to have them there. He was happy though when there were no more pills to take, food to eat or things to do and he had permission to sleep without worry. Going to the bathroom or showering became too much and we took care of those things in the bed. I was there to help day and night and his daughters were dismissed when he needed to toilet. We had our quiet time together when we were alone thru the night and could be side by side in the hospital as we had always planned on being in our aging years. We had hoped to be a little older when that time came though. We prayed and listened to our scriptures. Sleep is difficult in the hospital as nurses come in and out checking things and changing IV bags. We just wanted to be together and he would say, “I don’t want to leave you” and I would reply, “I don’t want you to go.” One night he looked at me in my very, very large hospital issue pyjamas and said, “You are so beautiful.” How can you not love that man. He is my everything.
Sunday, June 5, 2022 - I had my conference talk prepared and I was grateful for that. The children were worried about me but I knew I had to do it. On Sunday morning I got ready in the hospital. Tom wanted to be shaved for Sunday and he and a nursing aid worked to accomplish that. As he lay on the bed getting cleaned up, with nothing but his little loin cloth on, I looked at his body covered in pet ixia blood spots and worn and battered by this devastating disease and he reminded me of the Savior, even at this time unknowingly still exemplifying Him. Doctor Mattie arrived just before I had to leave and Tom told him that he felt the end was near and wanted to know what to expect. Dr, Mattie assured him that they would make sure he was comfortable. At that point I had to leave for the church. Larissa, Liza, and Liza’s girls remained with Tom and Cindy drove with me to the Stake Center. Bishop Waddell came and knelt down by me and assured me that my talk would be a blessing. I just hoped that I could stand and not dissolve into a puddle. I had faith I could do it. I felt angels come down the isles to sustain me and they did and I was able to deliver my message. Ross was by my side the minute the meeting ended and whisked me across the stand and out the door. I was grateful for the help I received and grateful to get back to Tom. President Vermereen had come to the hospital the night before and given Tom a blessing. Sunday night Bishop Waddell, President Vermereen and Paul returned to visit Tom and Bishop Waddell said a prayer for us. Paul said that hospital room had become a Temple. Bishop Waddell told them that Tom was the reason for his visit to the Vancouver area.
The girls did not want to leave that night. They were worried that the end was near but the nurse assured that it was okay and they finally went. I knew we needed to be alone that night. As we were getting ready for bed Tom pushed and pushed himself to one side of his bed and wanted me to lay down by him. I did and each time I tried to get up off his outstretched arm, he wanted me to stay longer and said “I want you under my arm”. I wanted to be under his arm but also wanted him to rest and be more comfortable. That was not important to him. That would be our last night together. Oh, how I would love to safe under his arm again.
Monday, June 6, 2022 - I got up, showered and dressed. The girls had told to Trevor hastened his coming so covid or not he was on his way. I had planned on encouraging Tom to eat a little food that day but it soon became apparent that would not be happening. We had a phone call from Jack in Africa and Tom was able to talk to him. That was a miracle noted along with many others that day. Tom began to say, “I want my son. I need my son.” Cindy and Liza remained with us at the hospital and Lara Lyn went to the airport at the appropriate time and we prayed that Trevor would get thru the airport without covid testing just in case. He did and Liza got right down by her father as he struggled and kept saying, “They are coming Dad. Hold on. You are doing so well. Hold on.” I think she kept him alive and the nurses held off with stronger sedation. Trevor and Larissa sped across the city and once there, Tom hugged Trevor and told him he loved him. Liza said a family prayer and Trevor gave his father a blessing of release. The nurse gave him more sedation and we quietly visited while he was finally able to rest and sleep. It was just our little family there in that hospital Temple room participating in a sacred passage. He lived for about three more hours and then Trevor noted his breathing was getting shallow. He opened his eyes, looked at us and started to cry for a moment and then relaxed and was gone. I lay down by him, wanting him to know he was in my arms when he left. Oh, how I love hm. Cindy contacted the Henderson Funeral Home and asked them to come. Melodie Richards works there and we wanted her to help us with these next steps. We waited until the gentleman had arrived and prepared Tom’s body and we could see he was being taken from the hospital. The children gathered our belongings and as we went toward home, we drove into the most beautiful sunset. Laurel Christensen had felt impressed to give us some soup the day before and girls quickly had warm soup on the table. We were wrapped in arms of love each step we made that day and I am certain Tom felt the same way as he passed thru the veil and our families and the Savior greeted him with joy.
Now the time had arrived to prepare for the next steps as we tried at the same time to deal with this wrenching separation. I have not as yet felt that Tom is far away and I hope and pray that, that reality never changes. I have felt comfort and peace all around me while still recognizing the magnitude of what has happened. We began to work with Melodie at Henderson’s Funeral Home and Kelly at the cemetery and ordered flowers from the florist Cindy suggested. Trevor found Tom’s name pencilled in on the Fort Langley cemetery spread sheet (very yellowed and worn spread sheet) and we were able to proceed with those arrangements. Cindy ordered food for the family lunch and organized a family dinner with the Relief Society. She wanted to order leis from Hawaii for the family to wear at the service. Meals began arriving everyday from the Relief Society sisters and that went on for a week and a half. Flowers came and kept coming as did love and kindness - so much that it was almost overwhelming. Cards and messages were sent and beautiful words came from people telling us of all Tom had done for them and how much he meant to them. We invited nonmember friends to attend the service - Marie, Sonny and Marlene, Desneige, Eric and Sherri. Carol Ann decided to fly out from Calgary, Bob and Pat said they were driving from Utah and Pat and Lisa Hardie also drove from Calgary. Phone calls of love came. Richard Jahn offered to do the program similar to Roger’s. So much kindness, so much love and support. Larissa and Liza went home to gather their families and return and Trevor stayed with me. We decided that the burial and service would be on Monday, June 13, a week after his passing and by the weekend our children and family had gathered. Jack and Jeannette had arrived, Carolyn and Rebekah were on their way, Joanne, Dave, Jeff as were here and Wayne, Laura, Annie and Liz also came. Tammie and the children flew to Seattle and picked the leis up at Lisa Black’s in Blaine where they had been shipped. The program was ready and now I hoped and prayed I could make it through the day with dignity.
Monday, June 13, 2022 - Trevor had suggested that just he and the three oldest grandsons that were here dress Tom’s body so I got up early to go with them. I had washed and prepared his Temple clothes and took a couple of options for shoes and caps. As we walked into the funeral home we could immediately hear the Tabernacle Choir music that Melodie had chosen to play for us. They had his body ready in a beautiful warm feeling room and I went in to see him before they began. I then left them alone to do the dressing - such a sacred final act of service for their father and Grampa. They were all so sweet. They finished and Tom looked wonderful in his Temple robes. They moved his body to the chapel and the family started to arrive to spend time and view the body - Walker, Hardy, Bull and Burgess families, Joanne, Dave, Jeff and Jonny and Jennifer arrived, as did Carolyn, Rebekah, John, Jeannette, Wayne, Laura, Annie and Liz. We just spent time together and finally Dave offered a family prayer before we all went in our cars to the cemetery. The grandsons were all pallbearers and Trevor drove in the hearse with Melodie to Fort Langley. The sun broke thru a little while we were at the gravesite and a small plane flew over almost in salute. Trevor and the grandsons carried the casket with the son in laws walking behind and Jadyn with the two little grandsons. Jack kept phoning from Africa and Max and Jacqui from Australia. The Burgess family sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and Jack dedicated the grave. It was just family at this intimate moment with the Bishop Rolfson conducting and Ted on hand as well.
We then moved to the TempleView Chapel where Cindy’s friends had the building cleaned and served us the lunch Cindy had ordered. We had a little time to regroup, eat, get the delivered flowers in place and visit. Bob and Pat arrived early. Everything came together and people were on hand to help us at every step. People began to arrive for the service and we stayed back in the Relief Society room until it was time to enter the Chapel. We had made the decision to sit on the stand to allow room for more people in the chapel. I ended up in the middle of my four children with their families behind giving support. Zach walked me in and kept me standing. Then followed the most beautiful memorial service I have ever attended. We sang “O My Father”, Carolyn gave the opening prayer, Wayne spoke on Tom’s growing up years, Liza spoke, Larissa spoke and Cheyenne sang “Day by Day” accompanied by Dan Davies, Cindy spoke , then Trevor and finally Brent Sugden and we concluded with Julie Duerichen singing “Come thou Fount of Every Blessing” accompanied by Susan Powelson and Joanne offering the closing prayer. Shelley Murley had played the prelude and opening song and then accompanied Bryson and Breya as they played “Aloha Oe” on their ukuleles. Bryson had led the opening song. It was wonderful, everyone and our children did so well. My three big grandsons then got me set up on a chair on the edge of the stand to greet anyone that wanted to talk to me. They stood guard over me. How blessed am I. Many came to the service and many more watched via zoom. Some of Tom’s youth from his time as Bishop went together to send two beautiful sprays of flowers, other of his youth were there and many of our young adults. As people approached to talk to me I recognized that he had loved and worked with almost all of them and often supported them thru difficult times. I was overwhelmed with the number of lives he had touched and the love people had for him. He tried always to follow the Savior and had given his life to doing much good. We finally finished the day with a meal prepared by Carol Stelnicki and served by the Relief Society. Throughout the whole day I was reminded by people of what Tom had done for them and their families. I was exhausted but had been filled with the love of others and by their support. We began to say goodbye to our family members. I had felt that if this had to happened that some good would come of it thru a service that would not only bless our family but others. I hope and think it has.
And now the next step. The children needed to return to their homes and to their lives. I hope and pray they will remember what has transpired and the feelings they have felt. My dear Zachary remained with me for the next week. We went about doing business that needed to be done, going to the Temple and loving and supporting each other in our personal trials. He is struggling with Mo and her family through this engagement and wedding plans. Flowers still came and food ordered by Kim , a friend of Larissa’s. Cards and messages continued and I still felt overwhelmed. As Zachary’s week came to an end Joanne made plans to come and be with me. He left on Sunday and Jeff dropped Joanne off on Tuesday on his way home to Kimberley with his dog. She stayed with me for about a week and a half and we did more business and shopping. We went the grave to remove the now dried out coffin spray. We were without a car for a few days while the insurance on the car was adjusted to my name only. We attended the Temple a couple of times and finally she went home last Saturday with friends from Victoria that were here at the Temple. Liza came down this passed weekend for Bryson to participate in a rugby tournament. The girls came too and they all left on Sunday evening. We went to a musical Saturday evening that Cindy had bought tickets for. Reuben Leonard starred it.
I am alone now but not really as Jean and Cheyenne pop over and Cindy. Donna and Frank came to visit yesterday afternoon bringing strawberries and flowers. David Bigler arrived early this morning to repair our old washer to give to someone who needs it. I miss Tom with every breath I take but I also feel him near and I feel so blessed to have him not only as my earthly companion but as my eternal companion. He has taught me more about the Savior than anyone I have ever known and like Liza said in her talk, he didn’t have to verbally speak his testimony of the Savior, he lived it. I love him so much and pray for him in the work he is doing now. I also pray for me, that if I must stay, I can be of some value as I know he is of value where he now labors. My precious, precious, beautiful boy, the Savior has claimed you his and I have given Him the best I have to offer.
